I Seek You For I Thirst

a very late entry: hehe, last february 14 was my first valentine's day where i went out with someone special to me. i was so nervous that something would screw up since i wasn't able to plan out alternatives to what i was supposed to do that day. well, one thing didn't go as planned: i was planning to go ballroom dancing with her that night, something came up at the place we went, so we had dinner instead. it was a very nice experience to me because i am not the type of person who will ask someone on a date - (torpe ako :p) anyway, there's a first time for everything, and i am very happy that i spent my first valentine's day with her. :p

I'm sorry for the language. haha, if ever anyone is still reading this blog, i salute you! anyway, this day had its good times but at the end of it all, it was shitty. the thing that pissed me off was the fact that i feel that the people in my org take me for granted. i really felt it a while ago when we went to blue fin. maybe its just me. some people may say that maybe i didn't give much effort in getting myself noticed. i don't know, i've been trying to fit in this organization for three years! three freakin' years, and other members who just joined the org fit in better than i do. i don't know what to do...oh well, it definitely sucks to be me.

Lord,

I don't know why I feel so lonely

It's easy to say that you're always with me but it's very hard to feel it

please guide me through this very low moment in my life

that  I may see things in your eyes. Amen.

I've been feeling pretty down these couple of days, but I don't really know why. It seems as though I am repressing these experiences unconsciously, but their weight still remains.

I think one reason of this feeling is that I haven't been seeing much of my friends, or to those I see, it has been a burden to share my feelings. Eventually, I forget exactly what they are, but this feeling does not fade.

Sigh, I'm starting to hate this summer. I miss my friends, my classes suck, I'm not doing very well in my summer classes, I don't really know what is keeping me standing; I hope it is God.

-sorry if my entry isn't that long. i just can't express myself. God, help me.

Every year, AtSCA has a pullout for the seniors that about to graduate. It is sort of a party where the undergrads try to make the last experiences of the seniors very memorable. When I wasn't in college yet, the way the undergrads, pulled out the seniors was done only by cells: K1B4, P7, MT, and K1B6, people prepare a certain program as tribute to the seniors in their cell. We still do that today, (actually the cell pullout was yeterday) but now we have an AtSCA-wide pullout. And it will happen today at about 4pm, if i'm not mistaken. Although I am very excited, there is still some fear that we won't be able to pull it off right.

The preparations for the pullout was pretty crammed. I just found out what I was supposed to do last monday. Unlike last year, where the people who organized the pullout began planning more than a month before the day when it happened. I think the problem with this year is that no one from the members took the initiative to plan for the pullout. (I am also guilty of this...sorry guys) Unlike last year, the EB members were the ones who planned, but they also designated certain responsibilities to the members.

I hope that we do this right. This is one of the last activities of the org this school year and this is our tribute to the seniors who shared our experiences in AtSCA, so it would be a big deal to all of us if the pullout is successful. That's it, I have to go to sleep now. hehehe. :p

Lord,

Our Ateneo life with the seniors is about to end. I know it is inevitable, but whenever they go, their abscence leaves emptiness in me. All that remains is the memory of our experiences together and all the joy and sadness that we shared. I hope that as they leave the Ateneo, they still remain close to you and that you guide them and us through everyday's trials. Thank you for everything.

Amen

-waaaa...i can't believe that this is already happening...-

My day was going so well today. I was able to answer some questions in my accounting quiz, even though I didn't study, I got a B+ in my stat long test (a real B+! not a curved one, hehe), and I saw my crush! (haaay, the way she smiles, makes my day all worthwhile).

Well that happiness was before my fight with a friend of mine. (I hope she doesn't read this entry) Anyway, we had a fight because she didn't want me to bring her to the MRT station in Cubao. She insisted for me not to because she said even her mom let's her commute. (now that was a big "mind your own business") I ended up not bringing her.

I feel two things today: guilt and frustration. I feel guilty because I know I should have still gone with her. I ahouldn't have gotten angry and left her, even though it was what she wanted. It is a good thing that she arrived safely at her home. I feel guilty because I let my emotions get in the way of my want to sort of protect my friend. Anger makes us do stupid things, things that we usually regret, my experience isn't different. Oh well, I guess what's done is done, I can just learn from it.

About the frustration I mentioned earlier, it is about the fact that people don't take my advices seriously. Is it because I'm just seventeen!? Is it because they have had more experience in life!? Well even though that is the case, that doesn't mean that they can see my ideas as wrong! Even though I may seem childish sometimes, that doesn't mean I can't become serious when needed! Grrr...I hate it when people just ignore what I say! It is as if they are saying, "wala namang kwenta iyan eh", well I tell you that I think rationally too! Haha, sorry kung nagwawala ako dito...di kasi ako ganito sa totoong buhay, hehe.

I think all this rage is because I have been stocking up everything. I know it is a bit inappropriate to what happened. I guess I'm just really stressed out, or something. I need to speak my feelings more, so that this won't happen again.

This is a prayer I got from my most recent retreat, I think that i really need what the persona is praying for.

Silence

Ease the pounding of my heart by quieting my mind.

Steady my hurried pace.

Give me, amidst the day of confusion, calmness of the everlastring hills.

Break the tension of my nerves and muscles with the soothing and medolic strains of your song

Help me to know the peaceful, restoring power of sleep.

Teach me the art of "minute vacations..."

Slowing down to look ata a flower

To chat with a friend

To read a few lines from a good book.

Remind me that life is not a struggle to endure, nor a burden carry,

Rather, it is a blessing to be celebrated eery waking moment.

Let me look up to send my own roots down deep into the soil of life's endearing values...

That I may grow towards the heart of my greater destiny...

That I may grow closer to You.

Father, we consecrate this time to You and You alone

Help us to settle down in Your love.

Help us to depart from the hurried ways of our everyday

that we may experience You especially on this day.

We offer to you all our thoughts, words, and deeds.

May all that we think, say and do please You.

We ask this through the name of Jesus, your Son.

Amen

Haaaay...sana may natutuhan ako ngayon...

Though many times, I run from you in shame,

I lift my hands and and call upon your name,

For underneath the shadow of your wings,

My melody is you.

Oh Lord, I seek you for I thirst,

Your mercy is the rain, on the desert of my soul,

Oh Lord, I lift my lifeless eyes,

And see your glory shine, how your kindness overflows.

Though many times, I run from you in shame,

I lift my hands and and call upon your name,

For underneath the shadow of your wings,

My melody is you.

Oh Lord, your sanctuary calls,

I yearn to be with you, in the rivers of your soul.

Though many times, I run from you in shame,

I lift my hands and and call upon your name,

For underneath the shadow of your wings,

My melody is you.

Sung by one of my idol choirs, Bukas Palad. I decided to write the lyrics of this song in my first blog entry (woo-hoo!) because first, it is the inspiration for the title of my blog, and second, I seem to be able to relate to the persona in the song.

Even though I am a sinner, I repetitively deny God's love for me by doing selfish acts against others, I still continue to try to be with him. It just seems so empty when you know he is there, but it is very hard to really believe. Haha, i'm feeling sad again...because i didn't go to church today. This is an example of the selfish acts I mentioned earlier. I just do what I want to do or don't do it if I don't want to.

Maybe this is a phase whom everybody experiences, when he realizes that what he is doing is wrong, but he hasn't done anything about it. I think that even makes the situation worse. Sigh, I hope that I pass through this.

 

Lord,

Please give me the mindset to think less of myself. I know that these things only give me temporary joy, but after this comes emptiness. Only your love can fill this emptiness. I pray that I can learn to accept your love that you continue to offer to me.

Amen.

Well I hope that my blog is nice. :p